I keep telling Beethoven. Now “Tobe” sweetheart, lay off the heavy stuff. If people want to hear something long, low and dreary they will go to church. These tickets go for fifty bucks a pop and at those prices they want to have a good time.

Take Mozart for an example. “Moe”, ran it out fast, light and airy. The customers can't help smiling and patting their feet. Sure I know about him slipping in a few pieces in those minor keys but he had been hitting the bottle pretty heavy and he thought he was haunted by the ghost of his old man. Everybody has a bad day. Moe, like most artists, which you are an exception, couldn't handle money. If he had kept his fist in the inkwell and let his wife, Constanza, handle the money he would have had a longer if more conservative life. She had enough talent to understand the business but not enough to interfere with her business sense.

What you need is to remember to keep it light and quick. About half way through have a good cymbal smash and raise a little hell just to catch the cats that are napping. Everybody gets a kick out of that. Then you back off until just before the end when you let them know it's a climax and they have time to look for those patent leather shoes they kicked of when the maestro raised the baton.

Now if you will lay it out like that we can pack the house every night. Maybe we can pickup a few extra bucks by putting a few of the younger musicians on the road with it after we have had a big premier. Tobe, I can tell from that look in your eye, you haven't heard a word I've said.

FRATERNITY, CHARITY

and Fun for All

Consider the following worthy causes when planning your part to ease the burdens of a suffering society.

COMBBD

Chief Order of Mystic Burners of Buffalo Dung

Since the beginning of time the Buffalo, in some form, have roamed every continent, depositing in their wake vast amounts of processed organic matter. Ancient man, in his infinite wisdom, discovered the magic qualities of this combustible substance. When, otherwise, less palatable foods were ritually held over the burning dung, the food became a gourmets delight. When the uninitiated tried these processes the food was unaffected or reduced to a poor quality carbon. The initiated were subjected to years of intensive training and practice, not being allowed to practice the craft unsupervised until their skills were proven before the Chief Priest. Through the millennia the greatest change in the order has been the shortening of the honorable name to CHEF.

ASSA

Association for the Salvation Saddle Animals

The donkey, camel and horse have long been subject to the dominion of mankind. Barring the physical abuse, which shortens the span of service, the general use of the animals is not here debated.

The problem is man had made no effort to see that the poor animals have had ample opportunity to achieve their mortal salvation. Just think of the millions upon millions of animals condemned to an eternity of unrest because they have not had the chance to repent of their sinful nature. The confession and rebirth is so essential to mankind, every civilization has developed some form of it and gone to great expense to spread their form throughout the world. A small donation could go so far to bring this essential gospel to a forgotten but deserving group. Thank you for opening your hearts and pockets to the down trodden.

BBBOPS

Benevolent Brotherhood for Bavarian Ostrich Plumes in Sex

The following information has been censored, by the Southern Baptist Convention, the Universal Catholic Council on Moral Turpitude and B'nai B'rith under the auspices of the United States Supreme Court. In a majority opinion the organizational initials were permissible when not accompanied by graphic representations. The name maybe displayed, in public, in any font not exceeding twelve-point (USA) in size. Specific information on the organization may possibly be available through the more liberal minded adult bookstores in your neighborhood. All donations are gratefully accepted.

FHMUC

Friends of Homeless Mothers and Unwed Cats

Homeless mothers and unwed cats are a homogeneous group. Their unrestrained desire for freedom and liberal attitudes are leading to the very problems of their situation. Only extensive reeducation and counseling will bring them into the fold of a responsible society. Our goal is to provide that sorely needed assistance in a bright and cheerful atmosphere so they may learn the benefits of a loving society. When you give, remember, this could be for your mother or cat.

LDBVS

League for the Dissemination of Biographies of Vivisection

Survivors

In the year 1890 a demented Doctor in the USA was sentenced to prison for vivisection. By the Year 1891 an English Doctor and his assistant were convicted of this heinous crime, proving the problem is getting worse. The only way to keep the problem from reaching epidemic proportions is to implement a complex organization to monitor the surgical industry to see that only original owner parts are used.

The biographies of survivors of vivisection will be the foremost oracle to inform the public of the horrors of this infamy. We pay top dollar for wellwritten life stories, the gorier the better, ten percent bonus if they are true. c/o Midnight Press, NYC

APM

Alliance for the Preservation of the Mastodon.

Your donation could help bring back what ain’t no more.

SRPP

Society for the Restoration of the Pleistocene Period

The Pleistocene period was a period of peace and harmony. The dinosaurs walked below the frond-covered trees. In this period of tranquility there were no wars, crimes or taxes. This period of serenity could not last. It was left in antiquity as time moved into the Plastic Scene Period.

Somewhere near the beginning of recorded history, just before or just after. Crude oil was discovered to have combustible qualities. The greatest drawback of this wondrous substance was one gallon of oil produced ten thousand gallons of thick black smoke, making proper ventilation mandatory. Accidents and research led to the extraction of chemicals, which were cleaner burning. Fifty-five gallons of crude oil gave thirty gallons of tar, fuel and solvents leaving twenty-five gallons of waste.

The miracles of science stepped in introducing the chaining of molecules and the Plastic Scene Period was born. The twenty-five gallons of waste became two hundred gallons of nylons, esters and styrenes. Immediately science zeroed in on their own periodic table of elements to see if plastics could be substituted for the greatest achievements of nature.

Every invention or art perfected over the past five thousand years, by mankind, was duplicated in plastic. A work of art may be valued at ten thousand dollars yet, in plastic ten thousand of the items are duplicated and marketed at one dollar each. Only one customer can own the oldest known golden statue of the Egyptian god, Anubis, but world wide a million customers can pay one dollar each for the statue in plastic. The rich for millennia has been adorned the human body with precious metals and stones. In the Plastic Scene Period, the body can bear these same colors, shapes and texture for pennies a day.

We once took pride in the effort and value of our possessions. That same pride passed the possessions on to the next generation. Now, our possessions and lifestyles are cheap and disposable, leaving the next generation worrying about the bio-degradability of our rubbish.

The Society for the Restoration of the Pleistocene Period campaigns for the return to the security, peace and serenity of an ancient age.

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COMPUTERS AND SUCH

The space age computer family is truly a wonder.

Preschoolers are learning ABC's and counting from cartoons and musical tones. The pre-teens compose grammatically perfect letters to the idol of the modern music world.

High schoolers write Calculus programs in five languages.

The wife does the budget and income tax on electronic spreadsheets and has indexed a database of forty two thousand recipes.

The father and patriarch of this finely tuned family of electronic wizards, from the basement wields his Might and Magic. With his hidden laptop he tries to get out of the adventurers’ guild.

Computers, being machines, cannot make mistakes and when they do it is humans that cannot admit it. A bachelor with no computer has never really experienced frustration.

Computers are like CIA agents they absorb massive amounts of information and refuse to divulge anything unless you are thoroughly versed in the secret codes.

OVER PSYMPLIFICATION

A Psychotics Eye View of A Psycond Grade Psystem

Opinions, tendencies and prejudices are psycho-genetically induced. The psyche is a complex collection of prejudices in every mortal frame. A fanaticism for these opinions is the basis for psychotic activity. Psychology is the categorizing of the generalities as they are understood within the present limits of psychological science. Discoveries constantly revise the cataloging because if the interdependent variables between the prejudices.

Psychic revelations are often claimed to be the justification for psychosis, by those subject to the influences but psychoanalysis reveals the tendencies to be psychopathic. After all, science in its strict guidelines cannot accept the validity of the psychic occurrence.

Wide variance between psychologist and psychiatrist would seem to make psychotherapy a pseudo-science. Discrepancies are caused by the psychopathic effort of the authorities to negate the variables and over simplify the cause and affect. Fingers, toes, blood and bone can be counted metered and analyzed down to molecular levels. When the psychotic tendencies can be measured with equal finesse and relative values assigned to their effect then psychotherapy can be administered in measured doses.

Like production line employees on a break psychotherapists can, then, stand with their coffee and donut discussing the boredom of the rat race. Until that time the psychologist will continue to recommend long walks in the sunshine and venting your frustrations on purple beanbag chairs. Psychiatrist will continue to dole out the lithium and thorazine hoping, along with the neuro-surgeon across the hall they can learn what needs to be cut out to curb antisocial behavior.

SCI-FI

What if a ten ton elongated lump of feces from outer space crashed into Los Angeles? The impact on the two winos sharing a bottle of Ripple at ground zero would be evident. Publicity wise, the impact in the city would bring new lows in humor. There would be race riots and looting in the city. The rioters claim discrimination because Beverly Hills is not subjected to the same indignation.

A new religion blossoms, "The Brotherhood of the God, Who Begot the Great One." Their temples would be laboratories developing new or improved uses for human wastes from fertilizers to wrinkle removers. Through molecular chaining a pound of waste would make one hundred pounds of fertilizer. The church would advocate proper dietary habits for mankind not only to improve life but to improve the quality of the raw material for their experiments.

The impact on the orthodox sciences would be devastating. The science which had difficulty accepting the idea of life with in a reasonable number of light years of distance now has extra terrestrial evidence to examine. Feces only comes from life forms and these life forms are capable of excretions in gargantuan proportions. Every scientific laboratory would want samples for testing. Every test from carbon dating to sub molecular analysis would determine the diet, age, IQ and predisposition to colon cancer of an alien life form.

A coat of primordial dust in itself could mean the origination point was probably beyond our solar system. Would it predate the big bang? What possibly could be the method of propulsion to move, with no apparent mechanical devices, ten tons of inert matter a thousand light years through space? Was this a random event or a planned insult to the earth and the City of Angels? Could this be a publicity hoax by the advertisers of Kimberly-Clark to promote a new line of heavy-duty tissue?

Take an over the hill actor, desperate for one last starring role, a bevy of top heavy cuties looking for their first big break and you now have a sci-fi cult classic destined for immortality.

U S ARMY

FIELD MAINTENANCE MANUAL 13000-13

UNCLASSIFIED 1995

CHAPTER 69

PARAGRAPH 26

SUBPARAGRAPH 2H

OPERATION AND MAINTENANCE OF THE WHATCHAMACALLIT

Although complex looking, the Whatchamacallit is relatively simple to disassemble. With the Whatchamacallit facing left and at right angles to the perpendicular grasp the Dodad in the right hand and give thirty-seven quarter turns to the left. The spring loaded Dodad and its fifty one restrictor bearings after flying over your left shoulder may be easily retrieved with a broom and magnifying glass. Remove the thirteen Finnegan pins from the Dohicky. Withdraw the Dohicky by attaching to any five-ton chain hoist.

Using the Kachingus as a measuring device bore new access holes with a 1/2 inch by 3/8 inch oblong bit. Through the access holes you may remove any foreign matter, antimatter or whatsamatter. Once the cleaning process is complete plug access holes only with approved petrified dinosaur dung. Inspect electro-mechanical Gizmo connections and double solder taking care not to wick solder joints. Reassemble by reversing process steps.

If at anytime during the maintenance process you observe alternating blue and yellow lights, activate the red panic button on the Thingamabob and initiate an accelerated tactical retreat. There are thirty seconds to detonation.

AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT

Is it unlucky to walk under a ladder on Friday the thirteenth, with a hungry black cat weighing over three hundred pounds, if you have broken a mirror in the last seven years or is it carelessness. It is unlucky to spill salt. To negate the effects of bad luck, throw a handful of salt over your left shoulder into the eyes of someone about to mug you from behind.

If it is lucky to hang a horseshoe over the door what would be the results of hanging four still attached to the horse. Would the quality of the horse improve the luck. Scientific research has established four leaf clovers are lucky in the sense they have thirty percent more nutritional value for grazing animals. As to the feasibility of there being good luck related to a rabbits foot. Take a survey of all the rabbits you know of on crutches and draw your conclusions from the available data.

Past research as established the following as fact. It is definitely unlucky to;

1. insult the wife or girl friend of a professional fighter

2. ram the rear of a police car

3. interfere with the profit margin of the Mafia

4. step on a crack in the ground during an earthquake

5. gossip about your boss's extra-marital affairs

6. smoke while filling a gas tank

7. adjust TV antennas during electric storms

8. spend the weekend with your girl friend while your wife is not out of town

9. take or give swimming lessons in shark infested waters

10. tease rattle snakes

Documented research as proven beyond a doubt any of the ten preceding items will result in bad luck.

GOD'S ULTIMATE

(TEE-HEE) CREATION

Man, women too, endowed with wisdom by their creator has decided the human is God’s ultimate creation. Any dissenting votes were automatically disqualified.

The candidate for this honor has developed hundreds of languages for communication. For three thousand years oral and written records have circulated among these beings to improve their life style. They have achieved a commendable success in controlling fire and invented the wheel to maximize their mobility. Tools have been invented to get the best advantage of opposing thumbs. To this point the human is ahead of the remaining fauna and flora on this planet, so much for the good points.

A multitude of villages, towns and cities have been sacked, burned and the inhabitants put to the sword or slavery to satisfy greed or jealousy. Citizens have freely or otherwise put their fate in the hands of dubious despots such as Nero, Attila the Hun and Adolph Hitler. People in the name of their gods have sacrificed their children, friends, and enemies. (I'm sending you to heaven, take a message.) During the inquisition bodies were tortured and broken to bless the immortal soul. Richard, the Lion Hearted and Saladin slaughtered thousands for the glory of their god. For two hundred years Christians and Moslems gave blood on a regular basis.

In today's high technology race, religion and ethnicity are valid reasons for wholesale carnage. Science can kill more people, faster and farther away than ever before. Only a few hundred years ago you had to look your victim in the eye or grasp the back of their head to cut their throat or alter their existence here on earth. Now with a flip of a switch you can destroy thousands you have never seen or never will see. No other creature on earth has such awesome power. If we as human beings are God’s most perfect creation, GOD is still seeking perfection or GOD has a vicious since of humor.

SINGING THE BLUES

Bluebeard was eating blueberries with a blue bird on his shoulder while contemplating who would be his next wife. A Blue nose came along with his blue book. Bluebeard, with a sneer, pointed out the blue book made no reference to family values and being a blue blood instead of a blue collar he was entitled to set his own values.

Sensing Bluebeard was in his blue period and would be harder than blue stone the Blue nose took out his blue pencil and started taking blue notes. Bluebeard, relaxed in his blue bonnet, dabbed a blueberry in a blue plate of blue cheese dip. From his blue book the Blue nose recited a list of blue laws enacted to encourage family values though as a blueprint they carried no such specific labels.

Wiping his blue bearded chin on a blue napkin, the blue blood arose with fire in his blue eyes. Taking the Blue nose by his silky blue tie, he spoke into a now turning blue face. "Between the blue blood and the blue collar there is a thin blue line. If you do not wish to take maximum advantage of your Blue Cross and Blue Shield do not cross that thin blue line."

When last seen the Blue nose was making a blue streak across the blue-ridge, his blue suede shod feet in rapid contact with the blue grass. A subsequent blue ribbon commission has established, "the golden rule is, he who has the gold rules."

HALF-TIME

The blitz was in full swing. In a dazzling display of footwork and deception the decoy did a fade away and feint to the left with a finesse that was admired by all. In a surprising gambit the team gave a hand off enabling the pass maneuver to pick off a reverse. The signal was for a sleeper. A slide brought sneak to the right and the squeeze play gave the team an easy steal.

The team went into a huddle to count their gains. They now had six hot dogs, six beers, a half pizza, three nachos and a crushed but unopened box of Cracker Jacks. Ready for the second half; they headed for the bleachers.

THE CREATURE FROM THE

BLACK LEGUME

In days past parents would tell kids anything to engender obedience. "Eat your spinach or the policemen with take you to jail. You saw that James Cagney movie last night about all those men in prison. They didn't eat their spinach."

A real attention getter was the source of acne in teen-age boys. "Teen-age boys have a basic instinct to create meanness, anything from pushing over outhouses to tying tin cans to dog's tails. The boys who restrain themselves have the meanness burst forth as acne. It is better for the boys to keep their faces washed and doctored than submit to their natural inclinations.

Grandma's bean patch monster had to be the one to top all stories. Her garden was well over an acre in size and surely a chore to maintain by hand. In the spring a man was hired to plow the plot with a team of mules and after that it was strictly a family affair. It had every vegetable adaptable to a Texas climate but was called the "bean patch."

As a background, Grandma was born in 1876 on a waning frontier. The majority of the population was agrarian, farming and ranching. Rural folk and city cousins had family vegetable gardens in addition to the usual careers of that day and time. Retiring and widowhood made no changes in her ties to the soil.

It seems as if her bean patch had its private monster, or maybe all bean patches shared a common monster. The point was never made quite clear. This monster loved plants and detested the pesky vegetables they bore. The only way to stay in the good graces of the monster was to keep the bean patch cleared of the offensive produce. We are not talking about a sleazy slash and run type monster. He was a literate beast with lists of who ate beans or whatever and did not help keep his garden cleared of such edible waste.

Everyone visiting with Grandma was invited, coaxed or coerced to the garden to assist with the harvest. For anyone younger than Grandma it was mandatory, for anyone older they could help if they wished. The monster seemed to hold a degree of respect for age. Once when the town paper reported a local youth mysteriously missing, Grandma nodded in her all knowing fashion. "His mother told me once he would not help in the garden, the bean patch monster probably got him."

JUSTICE OUT WEST

The old West in its history has had some brusque customs such as suspending a suspect from a rope just in case he was guilty. Justice was a bit rustic, usually due to some overly zealous and musty old walrus with a mob, whose members owed him money, to do his bidding. A cluster of such old "geezers" led to the phenomenon known as the range war.

The crust and thrust of the custom was "if you don't like your neighbor hang his cowboys." There was never enough time to discuss differences and bring common problems into focus. If you had a cow missing, a fence cut or a cow hand dead and a saddle tramp or a neighbors flunky in custody "hang 'im" and get back to the business of running your ranch and raising your family.

This did not give the cowboys on either side the opportunity to develop a robust morale. For thirty dollars a month, bed and beans they froze in the winter, baked in the summer, choked on dust in the sinus and got strung up by the neighbors. This was a very good reason for the "cowboy period" of the old West to last less than fifty years.

After a hundred years of effort civilization moved in and "law and order" replaced "vigilante justice." Vigilante justice is an excellent example of an oxymoron, a single expression bridging two extremes. The pendulum has swung the other way. Justice is still frustrated. When some scumbag assassinates a VIP on national television with a million witnesses you cannot get him on the gallows because all the bleeding hearts want to flex their muscle and protect his rights.

SNAKE'S EYE VIEW

We snakes have taken a bad rap in the Eden story. I'll tell you the tale the way it has been handed down in my family. There is not a lot that can be said for those first five days of "Let there be." If that is the way it happened there is no real documentation for it. The only accounts were written thousands of years later by man and he has been known to be a bit one sided in his view of the past and present.

Sure there was a garden and it was a great place with perfect weather. There was no snow or ice. An occasional rain might have a slight chill but a few minutes on a warm rock was a great restorative. For food there was an endless supply and variety of fruits, vegetables and seeds if you can imagine snakes as vegetarians. All the residents were vegetarian and in the rare case of a death insects took care of the rotting carrion. Even the big cats catered to squash and cucumbers with a melon or two for dessert.

The only humans around were Adam and Eve. They definitely were not candidates for Mensa. Adam could not have been more naive if he had just fallen off the potato wagon. He was a Lil Abner type without overalls. The most strenuous thing he did was name the animals and sometimes would agonize for days over the words. There is no telling how he came up with "aardvark" and "opossum." His biggest hang-up was talking to himself. In the cool of the evening he would walk in the garden and ask questions or give answers to somebody that was not there. It was not Eve she was off somewhere bathing. Bathing was her hang-up, three four or five baths a day. She spent so much time in the water it gave the fish a funny smell.

The humans were the last residents to come along and they merely moved in and took charge. The man said his name was Adam and he did not like the helter-skelter operation of the garden. Naming was just one of his innovations. Animals, bugs and vegetation were assigned to groups and groups were designated to stay in allocated parts of the garden. Nobody could migrate, visit or leave their area without Adam's permission. We ended up with a long list of "Thy shalts and Thy shalt nots." The humans could roam anywhere they wanted for any reason. Now we had all the elements for a class struggle.

One of my ancestors had climbed a tree to check out a piece of fruit and was about to decide to let it pass. Eve, the other human, jumped out of the bushes screaming, "you can't eat that." There is nothing like a challenge to give you second thoughts on a decision. Old great granddad moved in for a second and closer examination of the fruit.

There was a heated exchange of words and hisses on both sides and culminated in Eve snatching the fruit and mumbling over a mouthful, "we are in charge here and we make the rules." Suddenly realizing she had overstepped the bounds of her authority and ran off screaming for Adam. Another of her hang-ups was being highly emotional.

Well you know the rest of the story, life in the garden deteriorated rapidly. Outside the garden humans still make the rules and things are still getting worse.

TRIBALL

This is Crash Gates and the Sports Broadcasting Network welcoming you to the first annual National Triball Championships.

The drawn out negotiations by union and management in other sports has depleted the media of sports to broadcast. In an effort to sate those fans who must see sports we search the world. Tomorrow tune in to the three o’clock broadcast of the whaling championships from Oslo, Norway.

Today's game is between the Manhattan Nerds, Topeka Dweebs and San Fernando Finks. All three teams are coming into the game undefeated. As a little background to this new sport, the teams wear their distinctive uniforms but in the sense of team spirit no one is identified with name or number. If someone is seriously hurt you can get that on the sports wrap up following the game. In practice sessions teams are divided into thirds for their workouts and scrimmages. With ninety-nine players and a midget referee on the field today's game is bound to hold some surprises.

On the referee's signal the Nerds and Dweebs start with a blitz against the Finks. The weight of the onslaught has the Finks back pedaling. In a fantastic feat of deception the Finks pull off a perfect triple reverse and the weight of the opposing teams skim the Finks across the goal for the Finks first score of the day.

The three teams are on the line, the referee lobs the signal and the Dweebs and Finks feint left catching the Nerds off guard. The Nerds drop into a slow fade away and stumble into the triple reverse. The Nerds have mixed signals and end up in the locker room. With the Nerds off the field the Dweebs swing into the double squeeze maneuver and steal past the Finks for a quick point. It is now Finks 1, Dweebs 1 and the Nerds have three men on the john.

Las Vegas had the Nerds picked to be a slow starter but if this is not part of a decoy strategy I believe they are in real trouble. There is now an "official's time out," the referee penalizes the Nerds thirty yards while the grounds keepers pick up toilet paper on the field. These boys have been rumored to be in trouble during this first season. All the tabloids are reporting negotiations are being made to trade the entire team for the Chernoble Atoms.

There is the whistle, it is the end of the first period and the beginning of our first commercial break. Hey, Charlie get the producer on the phone. Let's broadcast the baseball negotiations, anything has got to be better than this.

SEVEN DAYS MAKES

ONE WEAK

Monday morning the alarm clock awakens me by screaming obscenities. The weekend was not long enough. There is never enough time to do the things that are a necessity. The activities I would have liked to enjoy are out of the question. After begging and bribing the kids out of bed there is almost enough time to absorb a bowl of cold cereal and get the kids to school, while they scribble on that last page of homework. So I am five minutes late to work, the boss will never notice. She takes her kid to a big private school across town and is always ten minutes late.

By mid-morning I have remembered where I was in the big job that should have been finished on Friday. The rest of the morning is spent assigning priorities to my excuses. Luckily by five o'clock the item is wrapped up and on its way, I am only one day behind this week.

With a sack of burritos, I am on my way home. The kids did not finish their homework, again, because they were arguing over which TV program to watch while studying. Between burritos everybody sorts their laundry and the second load goes in the washer. While the first goes in the dryer the kids wonder why a dryer has other settings than permanent press. In the middle of my story about grandmother ironing clothes by hand someone remembers it is time for guitar and piano lessons. Dropping everything, everybody runs for the car. Will it ever be bedtime?

Tuesday morning the bulldozer in the bedroom turns out to be the alarm clock. The morning dash gets everybody where they are supposed to be. I survive another day at work only so I can sit and wait for the daughter to get out of dance class, so the two of us can sit and wait for the boy to get out of scouts, so all can rush to the Burger Barn for the two-for-one sale. Bless the Burger Barn, and bedtime.

Wednesday morning the thunder of the alarm starts the ritual again. Rushing on from work, with soccer and girl scouts it is another four hours of living in the car. Somebody ought to tell the Burger Barn their special sale is needed on Wednesday too. I wonder how the Baptist do all this and squeeze in a Wednesday night meeting also.

Thursday morning the clock was no friendlier and getting up is a little harder. The one cheerful thought is, "there is light a the end of the tunnel. I have made it over halfway through the week." After work there will be four hours of little league and another day will be shot.

Friday morning I could swear the clock was in a hurry to get the day started. At work, Friday is panic day. Everything that there was plenty of time for during the week is now due. Come on five o'clock. After five it is more school. Brainwashing the children forty hours a week is not enough. Friday evenings they have to tighten the screws on the parents. Open house, parties, ball games, concerts, plays and no end is in sight. Is there a state law against families sitting at home with their feet propped on a hassock.

Saturday the alarm does not ring at six A.M. It doesn't have to, the neighbor on the left is mowing his grass. Oh well, mine needs mowing also. The windows need washing, three faucets are dripping and the eaves need painting. The Christmas lights need something too. If they are still up they have to come down. If they are not up, we need to find them.

Saturday evening there is a circus, a rock concert, a community fair and a fireworks show. I wonder what the fine is for staying home one evening. At midnight the fellow across the street, with a voodoo robe and wand, was outside mumbling curses on his crabgrass. I hope he talks loud enough for my crabgrass to hear it.

Sunday morning the alarm is still resting but I am not. The atheist on the right is mowing his grass. After church there is the obligation of a ten-minute visit with the grandparents and a mad dash for the TV to catch the football game. "If you miss the football game on Sunday neighbors will suspect you of being un-American." The rest of the day is spent ranting and raving infantile threats to the kids about homework. At ten o'clock I shake hands with my spouse. "In these times of rag and run you need to take time to make at least one good friend." Remember, in eight hours the rat race starts again.

PROPOSED 1-800 DIRECTORY

Some organizations on acquiring a 1-800 number select topical words as a memory aid. Below are some words, which could keep their organization at the fore front.

AF of L-CIO- 1-800-Go Union

Alcoholics Anonymous- 1-800-Jim Beam

American Bar Association- 1-800-Law Time

American Bible Society- 1-800-Read GOD

American Civil Liberties Union-1-800- Sue Some

American Heart Association- 1-800-One Beat

American Lung Association-1-800- You Gasp

American Medical Association- 1-800-Lil Pill

American Red Cross- 1-800-Band Aid

Consumer Credit Corporation- 1-800-Try Cash

Crime Stoppers Hotline-1-800-He dunit

Daughters of the American Revolution- 1-800-Pilgrim

Internal Revenue Service- 1-800-Take All

Knights of the Klu Klux Klan- 1-800-Cracker

Metropolitan Opera of New York- 1-800-Othello

Mothers Against Drunk Drivers- 1-800-Hang One

National Aeronautics and Space Administration- 1-800-Sky Shot

National Association for the Advancement of Colored People

1-800-Blacker

National Education Association- 1-800-Me First

National Endowment for the Arts- 1-800-Art Scam

National Public Radio- 1-800-Free Air

National Rifle Association-1-800-Freedom

Optimist International-1-800-Good Day

Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association- 1-800-Ruf ride

Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals- 1-800-Pet Shop

Southern Baptist Convention- 1-800-GODs Way

Texas A&M University- 1-800-Quick IQ

Texas Parks and Wildlife- 1-800-Outdoor

United States Printing Office-1-800-One Copy

Weight Watchers- 1-800-Fat Free

NATIONAL WORST SELLER LIST

Below is the National Worst Seller List for even desperate readers. Of .000,020 million readers polled these publications were the top twenty in least desirable selections. In sixty percent of the titles the author's mother would not pay full retail price for the book.

UNDERSTANDING PRE-HISTORY

by Earl E Times

THE ART OF PREPARATION

by Justin Case

OUT OF THE WAY PLACES

by Rocky Rhodes

INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH CORNBREAD

by Abel Baker

THE ART OF POLITICAL UNREST

by Norman Conquest

1001 USES FOR DIRT

by Dustin Mudd

AN ALTERNATIVE TO BARTERING

by Cash Money

WRITING MUSIC FOR LONELY NIGHTS

by Ali Katz

THE SECRET IS GETTING THERE

by Isador Waye

THE ART OF CLEANING BOWLING ALLEYS

by Dusty Laine

POLITICALLY CORRECT STRATEGIES FOR CHECKERS

by Willie Jump

ENVIRONMENTALLY SAFE IRRIGATION

by April Showers

RAISING COOPERATIVE OYSTERS

by Pearl Fisher

BEANS! THE ALTERNATIVE TO PORK

by Ima Hogg

PHYSICAL FITNESS FOR GEM CUTTERS

by Opal Stone

REACHING THE TOP

by Derek Crane

PROTECTING YOUR EARS

by Cornwallis Cobb

CORNEA TRANSPLANTS AT HOME

by Hazel Sietz

BI-LINGUAL HOG CALLING

by Uno Bellow

ALTERNATIVE LIFE STYLES FOR ASEXUAL SPECIES

by Gaye Blade

BUTTON MANIA

On a slow news day

recycle your favorite rumor.

When rumors abound,

who wants the truth?

Reading the bible will save your soul.

Avoiding me, will save your ass.

My degree is in erotic science.

Care to experience my dissertation?

Clinton sends Gore abroad.

Pictures available on request.

You have problems?

My in-laws were designed

by Stephen King.

You think my eyes look bad.

They look worse from this side.

Nobody gets a day off

without a death certificate.

The last holiday we had off

was Saturnalia.

When I'm ready to screw

I'll let you know.

My boss is intelligent,

generous, caring and

HERE.

My boss?

Imagine Simon Legree

in a 40D bra and miniskirt.

He was all I ever wanted

in a husband,

rich and dead.

When I say, "Kiss my ass."

I am not suggesting romance.

My preferences are strict.

It must be human and alive.

I'd settle for arthritis,

just to make it stiff again.

My life is filled with accidents.

Now they have kids of their own.

Sex oriented computer junkie.

Are you user friendly?

Semper Paratus!

(My apparatus is ready.)

My Ex-husband was

reincarnated as a bell.

A ding with a dong.

#1. Will You?

__Yes __No

#2 If Yes, How Often

__Often

__Once

__Once a day

__Once a month

In perpetuity and upon presentation

the bearer of this button is

entitled to one free ____.

Retired winner standing at stud.

Demonstrations available.

X-rated sports junkie.

In a bikini you look great.

I'd like to see more of you

2-4-6-8- Osculate.

Beauty is only important

when you are sober.

A bird in the hand is priceless

especially my bird.

Never go to a motel

with dirty underwear.

Take a woman.

Who says, "the bigger the bra the smaller the brain?"

Wishes come true.

I wished for a little.

I got damn little.

I have a union wife,

always on strike or

negotiating.

I don't really look like this.

I am an optical illusion.

What you see is what you get?

You should be so lucky.

If you have to ask

the answer is no.

Goldilocks was scandalous.

With bears, Yuk!

You could be replaced by a button.

This kind.

For Sale or Trade,

high mileage but dependable,

she can cook too.

For Sale or Trade,

high mileage but dependable,

he drinks a little

Jail -- Class of 2000

If you like sex and violence.

I could really turn you on.

Wine, women and song?

Never! I don't sing.

Rent me for the knight.

I'll do anything for a damsel.

Beneath this button lies

smoldering passion.

This button activates a lawn mower.

Touch it and your ass is grass.

Brides are beautiful but

grooms go downhill too.

Young men go to pot.

Old men go to pot.

Different age.

Different pot.

My marriage is a partnership.

I'm the silent partner.

The first liar ain't got a chance.

Love and Sex?

Love everybody.

With sex be selective.

Flowers and flattery

are for funerals.

Coddle me with cash.

I'm not prejudiced.

I hate everybody.

You couldn't get laid

if you came back as an egg.

I'm buying lunch

if you are dessert.

You look fine.

If you're rich.

I'm in love.

I'm in the exclusionary clause

in your insurance policy.

Christian man seeks liberal woman.

Object: Repentance later.

Christian Gray lady seeks dirty old man.

Object: Repentance later.

If you're the cream of the crop,

crop insurance is expensive.

Working in Washington DC

is capitol punishment.

Elections here are unsatisfactory but

ballots are better than bullets.

Like your breathing,

my smoking is a

life sustaining function.

He said,

"Let there be light."

Here I am.

If you were history,

you'd be

past and forgotten.

A cup of coffee,

a cigarette

and thou.

Tis better to be a has been

than be a never was.

I never got any

until my divorce

was final.

Sex is not a race

to see who comes in first.

I don't want to replenish the earth,

just go through the motions.

My wife had subtle messages like, "don't"

My favorite labor saving device

is procrastination.

I'm into energy conservation.

Don't wake me up.

--Caution--

I stop at all garage sales.

Haggling is half the fun.

What is your lowest price?

The old gray mare ain't

what she used to be,

nor the old stallion.

The young man can't get it down.

The old man can't get it up.

The married man can't get it.

There is a time and place for everything.

Your place and now.

My ex-husband was a golfer

with more time in the rough

than the muff.

My ex-husband came and went

before I was spent.

Life is a gamble.

The losers are obvious.

I'm an authority on current affairs.

Tell me about yours.

Deep, meaningful

over night relationships.

Inquire within.

Divorce is traumatic.

So is marriage.

Doctors and Lawyers make

the best ex-husbands.

Single by choice,

horny by nature.

Married by choice,

horny by nature.

Your husband's too old

when he is hard to get up

in the morning.

My divorce was traumatic,

console me.

I'm an alcoholic

(wino with money)

I long for perfection

and you are perfect.

Moral turpitude

is a matter of price.

A drink makes you sleep better

with anybody.

If you think reality is expensive,

try buying a fantasy.

If prostitution is selling sex,

marriage is a long term lease.

If you've got it flaunt it,

if not flaunt better.

My body is not for sale.

Lease terms negotiable.

Safe sex is at hand.

Frisky is risky.

Show me your health card, form 1040 and

my lawyer will get back with you.

If your cups runneth over

get a bigger bra.

one-two- three-four-five-sex-sex-sex

I get distracted easily.

I'd never admit to being gay

but if you are I don't mind.

(He) She was the light of my life and

the electric bill was outrageous.

Wanted automatic secretary,

the kind that screws on a desk.

My mind is not filled with sex.

I think of beer and pizza too.

I've got PMS and gun,

don't rub me the wrong way.

There is nothing wrong with sex.

Everybody is one or the other.

Total commitment is unnecessary.

A little lip service will do.

If you haven't made a will,

you are not ready for me.

You are welcome to a solo on my organ.

Avast, Half-mast your skivvies.

I'm at full steam for home port.

Tom Dooley was hung

all the girls agreed.

If Billy Sol Estes could

make a million with shit.

You could make ten bucks easy.

Something

that would look good on you

is me.

Harmones are the root of all evil.

Life can be a comedy or tragedy

depending on who you marry.

Semper Erotica

(always horny)

May you sail

on a sea of cactus

in a rubber raft.

My last ex-wife

didn't put out either.

In sex and fishing

the important part

is good looking bait.

Marry a hunter.

He knows what to do

in the bush.

Satisfaction is

in being wanted

not being had.

DICTIONARY UPDATE

English is an evolving language. Constantly the progress of society invents new words by necessity or by accident. Here are a few words, which will be submitted for adoption by coming dictionaries.

dija--an interrogatory.

(Dija screw that up on purpose?)

gimme--that which is given free for promotional purposes.

(He collected gimme caps.)

gonna-- a declaration of intention.

(I'm gonna kick you into next week.)

howdee--an interrogatory, third person masculine.

(Howdee get away with that dumb stuff?)

minner--a small fish used as bait.

(I caught that whopper on a cripple minner.)

mo-fo--a derogatory appellation denoting questionable moral

character.

(That mo-fo would do it in a heartbeat.)

twicst--a numerical value of two.

(I'm not telling you twicst, get outta my way.)

twofer--a bargain price.

(Why pay the regular price when you can get a twofer?)

wannabe--character traits denoting a desire for acceptance.

(That wannabe ain't with us.)

whatcher--an interrogatory of intention.

(Whatcher think your doing, Dummy?)

wheels--personal transportation

(Running on two wheels inhibits your social life.)

whiferd--an interrogatory question of a state or condition.

(Whiferd you do that?)

DIET WAGS

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

Thin is in.

Work plus rest makes you stronger.

The only good calories are burned calories.

Don't dig your grave with a spoon.

Sugar elates the tongue and depresses the body.

The part around the middle is the waste.

Don't commit suicide with a spoon.

When the extra weight is on a metal bar

you can put it down.

Hunger is all in the mind.

Fat is everywhere else.

Lettuce do and live longer.

Burned calories are friendly calories.

Prayer and fasting work.

Zero calories per serving.

Dieter's Prayer--Give me the strength to do

one more exercise and

one less serving.

Diet Anon--One meal at a time.

Food is a necessary evil.

Use smaller plates.

Anything worth doing is

worth doing skinny.

Dieting is mind over consumable matter.

Eating need not be an aerobic activity.

The weight gained is directly proportional

to the square of the food consumed.

Your greatest inspiration for dieting comes

from the abridged works of Will Power.

Only when the casket sealed is your

caloric intake irrelevant.

Eating should be a conservative lifestyle

not an unbridled passion.

AN ARMY OF DIRTY OLD MEN

Only a dirty old man has the knowledge and experience

to satisfy a dirty old woman.

If I were a dirty old man I would almost shower

for something like you.

I'm not really a dirty old man but

you have the power to change all that.

The only thing that keeps you from being a dirty old man

is your age.

A dirty old man was a young man with

with all dreams and no goals.

Show me a dirty old man with money and I'll show you

an eccentric and respected senior citizen.

A dirty old man is not a has-been. He only thinks he has been.

A dirty old man was too busy knocking on the door of life

to notice it was open.

The dirty old man thinks blowing his horn makes him a musician.

The dirty old man says, "all for one and all for me."

The dirty old man in denying the needs of others

exercises his right to ignorance.

The legacy of a dirty old man is room for improvement.

Dirty old men value their independence because dependence

means responsibility.

If experience is a prerequisite, dirty old men have an edge.

A dirty old man was a young man that got everything he wanted and time to waste it.

A dirty old man has a fantasy in life and reality in a bottle.

A dirty old man is indispensable to society,

bad examples are a necessity.

If you enjoy fiction, listen to a dirty old man.

Women cannot stand a dirty old man unless he has money.

A dirty old man is a liability, an experienced woman an asset.

Dirty old men have an intolerance that blocks

the passing lane on the highway of life.

A dirty old man wields the sharp edge of knowledge like a club.

Dirty old men want everything and are satisfied with nothing.

In spite of his vocabulary a dirty old man's understanding

is limited to two words, "me first."

A dirty old man is happy to do unto his neighbor.

A dirty old man who can not stay in grace or go in grace

can at least go.

Dirty old men come in a kaleidoscope of colors.

The only things a dirty old man ever repented was

getting caught or not getting more.

When you hear a dirty old man confessing

his is not repenting he is bragging.

When a dirty old man swears he is promising

he is not lying this time.

Dirty old men are like cartoons. Enjoy the show but

don't take it as true.

The talk of a dirty old man is cheap because

the supply is greater than the demand.

Dirty old men are like temptations, they do not deliver,

only take.

A dirty old man trusts no one, above all not himself.

In dirty old men age cures more vices than repentance.

A dirty old man is weak in the face of temptation and

strong in the face of opportunity.

PROACTIVE DOLLS

What goes around comes around. Neck lines and hem lines cycle up and down. Someday hula hoops and Nehru jackets will return. Anticipating the return of proactive wind up dolls toy companies have updated their models for the new millennium. Below are listed the current catalog offerings with special orders of mix and match available.

Barbara Streisand doll, wind her up and

she does a concert for something homeless.

Willie Nelson doll, wind him up and

he does a concert for a beer.

Democratic nominee doll, wind it up and

it slings mud.

Republican nominee doll, wind it up and

it provides a bucket of mud.

Jane Fonda doll, wind her up and

she picks a loser.

Bonnie Blair doll, wind her up and

she wins a gold medal.

Liz Taylor doll, wind her up and

she says, "I do" and files for divorce.

Jesse Jackson doll, wind him up and

he loses another nomination.

Bill Clinton doll, wind him up and

he says, "It was my idea first."

Xavier Hollander doll, wind her up and

she screws her head off.

Bill Clinton doll (Executive Model)

wind him up and

he winds up the Xavier Hollander doll.

Yuppie Collegian doll (male), wind him up and

he comes out of the closet.

Yuppie Collegian doll (female), wind her up and

she burns a bra.

Lawyer doll, wind him up and

he chases and ambulance.

Stockbroker doll, wind him up and

he launders his transactions.

College Professor doll, (Phd model)

wind him up and he files suit for tenure.

Tom Dooley doll, (an old favorite)

wind him up and he hangs around.

Gay Tarzan doll, wind him up and

he swings.

Winnie-the-Poo doll, wind him up and

he grabs your honey pot.

Psychiatrist doll, wind him up and

he charges you $100 for 50 minutes.

Houdini, the Wino model, wind him up and

he escapes to the nearest bar.

Ralph Nader doll, wind him up and

he criticizes your Chevrolet.

Arnold Swarznegger doll, wind him up and

you're dead.

Billy Graham doll, wind him up and

you're saved.

Chuck Norris doll, wind him up

just for kicks.

Michael Jordan doll, wind him up and

he retires.

IT'S A FAIR TRADE

No accidents, no tickets, no tardiness and no lunch baskets after all bus driving is no picnic.

The nurse's goal was to ease the pain of the world but she became just another panhandler.

The builders are limited to the constraint of time, space, technology and budget but the architect is limited only by the amount of lead in his pencil.

For thousands of years the soldier's lament has been, "old enough to die, too young to understand why."

He was a second rate magician and his best trick was disappearing when the bills were due.

The baby-sitter gets the joy of mothering and misses the 2 a.m. feeding.

Too many preachers are measured by the size of their church or collection plate.

The policeman's dilemma is, "how do you protect society from the other guy when everybody else is the other guy."

Talk about high hopes, give a guy a broom, some oily sawdust and five dollars an hour and he is supposed to make the world a better place.

The world pays some miner to extract a resource from the earth and when it is depleted it is his fault.

Talk about blind faith, a pilot takes a plane he did not design or build and does not maintain that is filled with people he did not select and he thinks he can fly cross-country with no problems.

Mechanics can be proud when they take a "bucket of bolts" from the other side of the world and make it function with no more spare parts than North American Baling wire and South American chewing gum.

It is common business practice for a secretary making a hundred dollars a week to tell an executive making a thousand dollars a week what to do today.

Any electrician has his share of shocking experiences.

Nothing makes an artist more unpopular than painting the naked truth.

The house painter took pride in his work, every edifice was his Sistine Chapel.

His fraternity was mason, his union was mason, his name was Mason, he was as mason as he could get.

He wanted to be an internist but bombed medical school. As close as he could get was journeyman plumber.

The jeweler has your time in his hands and the fate of your checkbook in his receipt book.

As a jockey he had more winners that anybody else and as a husband he had more losers than anybody else.

The father was an optometrist and the son a spectacle to behold.

The beauty queen had an MD in dermatology and a perfect example of what skin should be.

The actuaries that chart the cost of living do not have teenagers to feed.

The musician plays while everybody else parties and sleeps while all others work.

Have you ever scored with a scorekeeper's daughter while the scorekeeper was off keeping score.

He was a corporate CEO, negotiating millions, with a chauffeur and a valet because he could never find his keys or pants.

As a politician he struggled hard to extend the benefits of his constituents. It was either that or work for a living.

He chose the world of technology over management because the reaction of the computers was easier to control.

ACME FLATTERY COMPANY

POST OFFICE BOX 69069

UTOPIA, TEXAS

Dear Valued Patron,

Our company as the pompous champion of the garish has selected you as our most representative ideal. As the brightest thorn among the stunted roses you stand out as a model for the undecided and gaudy masses. Your reputation stands as a gifted magi amid the conspicuous.

For the next thirty days your ignoble image shall grace our plush stationary. During that period your lush voice will be used in any and all elaborate radio commercials we may produce. There are possibilities of you being approached for extravagant, expense paid, public appearances. This could be the opportunity for the launching of you into a illustrious career as the newest mote in the public eye.

Your selection has already been substantiated and validated. The only remaining detail is a paltry one thousand dollar registration fee. This is to be in small, unmarked bills due in our post office box in seventy-two hours.

Upon receipt of this trivial remittance you will receive a beautiful hand lettered certificate on simulated parchment, suitable for framing, attesting the honors and benefits of your selection. With this testimonial hanging on your wall you may expect the worlds representatives to be groveling at your doorstep.

Sincerely,

U Ben Had

Acme Flattery Company

GREATEST BOOKS NEVER WRITTEN

In these days of tight money interesting books could spur the public to spend more on the printed page. The following titles would raise the intellectual level of the public and improve the sagging balance sheets of the national presses. Realizing not all suggested authors are still pounding out good copy. Their writings and memoirs could be edited for the proper material. As for the living authors, they surely, would not object to additional income.

PIRACY IN CHINA and other hobbies

Mo Dang Fun

RUN A FAMILY LIKE A CORPORATION

John Bachelor

GETTING AMERICA BY THE BALLS, A History of Sports

Ferguson Jenkins and Joe Montana

101 WAYS TO SHARPEN PENCILS

B A Nerd

AT LAST, A Successful Diet

Ima Hogg

CARE AND FEEDING OF YOUR BUNNY

Hugh Hefner

SAVING HISTORY FOR POSTERITY

Richard M Nixon

TO HELL WITH FRIENDS, How to Influence People

Mao Tse Tung

BASICS OF ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING

Joseph Stalin

MAKING MONEY IN REAL ESTATE

Christopher Columbus

CASH ONLY, Vikings Don't Get Credit

Lief Erickson

PROPHETS AND LOSSES

Jim and Tammy Baker

GETTING YOUR BANK TO CO-OPERATE

Clyde Burrow and Bonny Parker

EXTREMES IN PROBLEM SOLVING

Abraham Lincoln and Jefferson Davis

ANYBODY CAN BE A LEADER

Adolf Hitler

THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE

Rose Kennedy

ALL I SURVEY

George Washington

SEX AND THE SINGLE GOLDFISH, An Undersea Adventure

Jacques Cousteau

THE ROAD TO PERFECTION

Jimmy Swaggart

TEN WAYS TO A BETTER MEMORY

Whatsis Name

TURNING SPARE TIME INTO MONEY

Xavier Hollender

DISPOSABLE DIAPERS ARE CHANGING THE WORLD

Ralph Nader

THE SKY IS FALLING IN

Ralph Nader

BUILD A BETTER MOUSETRAP, and catch better mice

Thomas Edison

CREATIVE FINANCING

Howard Keating

ANYBODY CAN ACT LIKE A HERO

John Wayne

HAPPY MARRIAGES are settled out of court

Tommy Manville

RUNNING A SMALL BUSINESS FROM THE HOME

Alfonse Capone

RETIREMENT AT GOVERNMENT EXPENSE

Alfonse Capone

RUNNING A PALACE on a fixed income

Elizabeth II

THE JOB NOBODY CAN DO but everybody wants

Harry S Truman

JUSTIFING THE ENDS

Oliver North, Col USMCret

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT, IT'S MINE

Ted Turner

HUMILITY IS A DRAG

Lyndon Baines Johnson

SKINNING CITY SLICKERS for fun and profit

Sam Walton

BLT, ON JEWISH RYE, An Executive Order

George Bush

THE LEAVES OF GRASS FROST MISSED

Mari Juana

FAME, FORTUNE and Other Hallucinations

Fra. Timothy O'leary

DeAGONY OF DeFEET

-The podiatrist Jokebook-

DEVELOPING A NEUROSIS FOR FUN AND PROFIT

Sigmind Freud

SUICIDE THE IRREVERSIBLE OPTION

Jack Kavorkian

SEX IN THE WILD-from hippies to hippos-

National Geographic Society

PACEMAKERS AND FRONTAL LOBOTOMIES

-A Part Time Profession-

Michael DeBakey

FINITE FINANCES and infinite Wishes

Bill Clinton

CRYOGENICS-Saving some for Later-

Howard Hughes

HEADLINES

Here are some headlines you will never see but they could boost in a sagging newspaper economy.

MAN WITH KLEENEX BLOWS BRAINS OUT

BLIND SEER WITNESSES RAMPAGE

A T & T DOWN SIZING:

ORDERS 2 MILLION DIXIE CUPS

EGG PRODUCTION DOWN:

CHICKENS ON STRIKE?

ZOO VOTES TO GO UNION

GRIM REAPER RETIRES

IRS SUED FOR TAX INVASION

THE WAR ON DRUGS:

FDA BANS ASPIRIN

DRUNKS SUE MAD MOTHERS

THE CHINESE NUCLEAR THREAT:

CHEAP MICROWAVE OVENS

U. S. FIRES POST OFFICE

HIRES UPS

FBI HIRES MAFIA TO FIGHT CRIME

PENTHOUSE BUYS PULITZER PRIZE

MADONNA STARS AS JOAN OF ARC

ROMAN POLANSKI DOES FILM

ON CHILD CARE

MOON DESIGNATED

PALESTINIAN SETTLEMENT

ARABIC-JUDEO WEDDING

ENDS IN BRAWL

AMERICAN DAIRY ASSOCIATION

BUYS COORS

SORT OF FAMOUS LAST WORDS

Any student of history is constantly amazed at what the annals will not tell. It is as if there is an eternal conspiracy to keep posterity guessing. A close perusal of several books on any person or time will find common hints. These hints lay amid the patient paragraphs waiting for imaginative readers. Copious research indicates these famous last words can be read between the lines.

"You know how stubborn those Royal bureaucrats can be Martha, I may be late for supper."

G Washington

"I call it a Constitution. It is simple and explicit. There will never be any doubt about what it means."

T Jefferson

"The war settled everything. With a few elected officials and a few appointed clerks this government will run like a fine Swiss watch, forever."

J Adams

"Vesuvius's bowels rumble all the time. It doesn't mean a thing."

Marcus of Heracleum

"The westerners don't care what Arabs do to Arabs. We will just take a little at a time until we have it all."

Saddam Hussein

"Abraham, I don't care what you and your poker playing friends had planned. I want to see that play. You will take me or war will be one of your lesser problems."

Mary Todd Lincoln

"They know nothing of valor or tactics. They'll shoot one arrow and run like hell."

G A Custer

"My genius was in having all the genius's work for me."

T A Edison

"This will be the war that ends all wars. Never again will our children fear oppression."

A Caveman

“I appreciate your enthusiasm but don't crowd me. An emperor needs room to rule."

J Caesar

"I'm up to my ears in war stories, Homer. How about something on how to improve our lifestyle."

A Greek Publisher

"You've got to be kidding, Sandberg. Lincoln was a great guy but twenty-one volumes is ridiculous, how about something on how to improve our lifestyle."

An American Publisher

"Fantastic, Moses, fantastic! I love it! It's got wisdom, adventure, sex and violence. It's everything a book should be. But, as an anthology whatever parts are not your original work, we've got to get a signed release from the original author."

A Jewish Publisher

"I'll get your mother to Chicago somehow, she's lived with us too long".

Henry Ford

"Wings on a bicycle, Wilbur, that's stupid. By the way, have you tried this--."

Orville Wright

"Look Cleo, Rome's unity is in shambles. Your soldiers will walk away with this."

Marc Anthony

"Don't just stand there, quell the colonist and bring me a hot buttered rum."

King George

"Pat Garrett has known me since I was a kid. He'll give me anything."

William Bonny

LOVE AND MARRIAGE

Marriage is an experiment on an emotional rather than a

scientific level.

Marriage is when adults stop playing house and start playing for keeps.

"The pervading influence which sanctifies while it enhances a family, is the influence of woman, in the lofty character of wife," Charles Dickens. Does the failure of marriage mean the woman does not have a lofty character?

“Men and women seem to seek the arms of a lighthearted lover.” Could the administration of a family and the enjoying of a mate be incompatible.

She was a milkmaid and I married her because I loved her jugs.

Of all my wife's relations, my favorite is me.

She is beautiful.

She is wanton.

She is decadent.

She is mine.

Before we married there is nothing she wouldn't do. After we married I was the guy she wouldn't do it to.

Nothing spoils love like marriage.

There are more recipes for making love than making soup.

When she is more important than you, you are in love.

When you can not live without her, you are in heat.

You cannot make love. Nature makes love. Your merely use the portion allotted to you.

If you need to be reassured of love everyday to survive,

you won't.

You are happy because you love not because you are loved.

Love like a door can lead to a good world or a bad world.

It can also isolate you from both.

Love can be given conditionally. Such as, "if you meet my expectations, I love you." Love can be accepted conditionally, "if it is not my way it is not love." Love can be shared like a candy bar because you both like it.

The world was here before you loved. The world will be here after your love is gone. Do not expect your love to change the world.

All the world loves a lover except when the lover owes them money.

She had beauty.

She had imagination

She had daring.

She had diseases

yet unnamed by science.

I wooed the girl-a-my dreams.

I won the gorilla-my dreams.

Time is what turns a love nest into a buzzards roost.

It is better to have loved and lost than suffer the pangs of alimony.

After a marriage that is stormy and a divorce that is an earthquake, single life can be a bore.

The difference between divorce and war is divorce is not covered by the Geneva Convention.

With the Divorce rate nearing 50%, even people are being recycled.

Divorce is an expensive way to create new problems.

Adultery is playing man's favorite sport, on the wrong team.

The two most unstable times in a man's life are infancy and adultery.

Chastity is an archaic but effective measure of self-discipline.

First there were "our children." Then came "Yours, mine and ours." Now it is, "Yours, mine, ours and whose."

The family is God’s method of group therapy.

A man with a man with a crystal ball and a stainless steel heart should have no trouble with a family.

A husband is a man with an ongoing home-study program in commitment.

There are no illegitimate babies, only illegitimate parents.

A infant is your signature on the contract of long term commitment.

Kissing and matches start fires, which easily get out of control.

Passion is a nice little campfire, engulfing a forest.

Sex is like politics, when you do not agree on either of these from the first; you will find no common ground to agree on in anything else.

Sex is expensive, whether bought in a lump sum or a little at a time.

Sexual awareness has two fatal enemies, rejection and logic.

Sexual awareness is like an obsession for history. A lifetime of study doesn't make you a part of it.

A widow is a woman with a perfect husband, where a wife's husband has yet to reach perfection.

Wives and employers have a lot in common. They want to give a man as little as possible.

Woman is the instigator of progress; but for woman, man would still be sitting in the garden naming animals and happy with it.

MAGAZINES FOR SPECIAL MARKETS

HOOKING

For the woman on the move

GOOD HOUSEBREAKING

For those seeking that special home

BLAST

Generate nuclear energy at home

BACKPACKING

For today’s mother-in-law

THRONE ROOM

The latest Ideas in indoor plumbing

B & D

Controlling pre-schoolers

VOYEUR

When you want to see everything

BORN AGAIN

Reincarnation in a modern age

HAVE FAITH

Inspirational thoughts for pilots and passengers

S & M

Co-operation in a modern society

ALCHEMY TODAY

Independent thinkers still exist

HOCKEY TODAY

Getting the most from your fertilizer

CASH

The magazine you can spend

CREATIVE FINANCING

Building a better image for embezzlers

ROAD KILL

The culinary magazine for opportunists

MIDEAST CRISIS

A glance at the business directory in any large Mideast city will bring to mind this question. Is this the cause or the effect.

ABDUL'S HAREM SUPPLY-Wives, New and Used- Trade-ins Welcome

ALI'S RIDE THRU CAMEL WASH and Armored Vehicle Maintenance-

free flea and louse treatment for drivers

ALLIANCE SYNAGOGUE AND MOSQUE REPAIR- Kosher labor and

material available

ALLIED EMPLOYMENT--Seeks terminally ill patients for suicide

missions. If you have got to go, go as a martyr. Pays

minimum wage and death benefits include an excellent

memorial service.

ARABIC-JUDAIC Consortium of Ancient Translations

Allegations Substantiated- Every tenet has its price

ASSASSINS INTERNATIONAL INC. #782

Meticulous in every detail. Affiliated with CIA, KGB

and A F of L.

BOY SCOUTS OF THE MIDEAST- Be prepared-for war

BURGERS AND BUNKERS-Fast food for an army on the move

A subsidiary of McDonalds U.S.A.

CAMELS-New and Used- Deal With Smiling U BEN TUK

CARAVAN OUTFITTERS- Camels to Dune Buggies

This week's special Armored Camel Vests

An L. L. Bean Company

CARMELITE SCHOOL OF THE PROFITS- Anything worth foreseeing

is worth foreseeing for money

CO-OPERATIVE DATING SERVICE and Karate School

Rabbis, Imams and Sensei on duty 24 hours a day.

DAMASCUS COMPUTER SALES-Components and Systems

Databases for military applications

Word Processing in Arabic, Israeli and Navajo

Fantasy games-this weeks special

"Take Tel Aviv" with 3D graphics

DAVID'S MILITARY ACADEMY- Emphasis on Sling and Harp

Learn from a proven winner

DEHYDRATED WATER COMPANY-Our patented two bottle system

weighs 2 kilos and makes 100 liters of water.

Franchises available

FARRAH'S FOOTWEAR-Combat boots by Gucci

FATIMA'S HOUSE OF ARBITRATION AND PLEASURE

Philosophy has a thousand positions

FISSAL'S TOURIST BUREAU and Tank Rental

Weekly specials on ammo

GALA PARTY FAVORS and Military Hardware-

We are with you in good times and bad.

GRINDL'S CATERING-We can feed 5 or 5,000 from the

Kenesset to the desert. Fish a specialty

GOLDSTEIN'S ARABIC WAR SURPLUS MATERIALS-

Special orders welcome

HEBREWS FOR PEACE and Undertaking Parlor

Arabic Funerals a Specialty

INDEPENDENT PRISON FOR INCORRIGIBLES and Mercenary

Recruiting Company- A place for everyone and everyone

in his place.

IN-FLIGHT SCUD SERVICE-Guaranteed more bang for the buck

INTER-FAITH MINISTRIES and Retribution Service

The weak and meek or the rough and tough, we want you.

A Jim Jones Ministry

JOSHUA BEN JUDA- Torah and Small Arms Supply

Theology with a punch

MARTYRDOM INC.-Be remembered as an angel of ALLAH.

Driver's license is required

MASSADA-PLO TERRORIST ACADEMY- Serving two worlds

PLO DISASTER CONTROL COMPANY-Custom tailored disasters to

suit any need. From Chernoble to the San Andrea Fault the PLO is in control.

PLO MESSENGER SERVICE- Strip-o-grams or Car Bombs,

We Deliver.

PLO PUBLIC RELATIONS BUREAU- We can reach anybody,

anywhere in the world.

RED CRESCENT KINDERGARTEN and Combat Zone Survival,

for Children in a modern world

RENT-A-GANG Laborers, Rioters or Soldiers we can fulfill

your manpower needs. A subsidiary of Peakload USA

SALADIN'S PEST CONTROL- Jews and Gentiles a specialty

SATELLITE INTELLIGENCE SYSTEMS- Don't plan a raid or

battle without our up to the minute air and ground

activity data. A Turner Broadcasting Company

SOLDIER CHOW-A dehydrated dish with 21 sauces.

3 meals a day, 7 days a week, no repetition

A subsidiary of Ralston-Purina

SOLOMON'S LOCKSMITH and Counter-Intelligence

Solomon is the Key to your success.

SOON LEE FIREWORKS and Munitions Factory-

Discounts to Soldiers with ID

TASHA'S SCHOOL OF BELLY DANCING and Espionage-

It's all in the hips

TINA'S FASHIONS- Combat fatigues and CAMO-veils for the

modern Arab woman

YASSAR'S DEPROGRAMMING-of those with pacifist leanings

YOSEF ARCHITECT and Artillery Barrages-

We make ruins with a flare

MISMATCHED MERGERS

Not only war and politics make strange bedfellows. Business will go to any extreme to improve the bottom line of a balance sheet. Here are a few mismatched mergers to prove a point.

ACME GLASS AND MIRROR and Sonny's Slingshots

BILL'S BANK and Travel Service

BUDDY'S WELDING and Barbecue Catering

BURNS, BRIGHAM AND BRANDIS ATTORNEYS AT LAW and

Swedish Massage

CAPTAIN AHAB'S SEAFOOD and Bait Shop

CLACK VETERINARY SERVICE and Meat Packing Company

DEACON'S CHRISTIAN BOOK STORE and Adult Movie Rental

DRY GULCH FEED STORE and Beauty Parlor

E Z PAY REAL ESTATE and Cemetery Lots

FIDELITY INSURANCE and Marriage Counseling

GOOD TIME DAY SCHOOL and Candy Company

HI-TECH COMPUTER SALES and Abacus repair

HOUSE PAINTING WHILE-U-WAIT and Portraits by Pete

ITTY-BITTY PUBLISHING and Monument Engraving Company

JIMMY JOHN MCCALL D.D.S. and Oil Drilling Service

JOE BOB MCCALL M.D. INTERNIST and Plumbing Company

MARTHA'S HANDCRAFTED DOLL'S and Chain Saw Repair

MARY'S SCHOOL FOR ENGLISH, NATURALIZATION and

Dating Service

MOM AND POP'S HEALTH FOOD STORE and Tobacco Shop

NELLIE'S CATERING SERVICE and Septic Tank Repair

PEGASUS FLYING SERVICE and Hymn Book Rental

PRECISION WATCH REPAIR AND DIESEL SERVICE

PLEASANT VALLEY RETIREMENT HOME, FUNERAL SERVICE and

Mining Company

QUICKY OVEN'S Cookies, Cakes and Crematorium

RITA'S PRIVATE INVESTIGATIONS and Manicure Service

SAM'S BARBER SHOP and Belly Dancing School

SISTER FAY'S TAROT READING and Marriage Counseling

SMILING JOE'S BAIL BONDS, PAWN SHOP and Church supplies

SNEAKY PETE'S CATTLE COMPANY and Fertilizer Service

TESS'S CONSTRUCTION COMPANY and Custom Fitted Foundation

Garments

TOTAL CARE INC. BARBER SHOP, BEAUTY SHOP, MANICURE,

PEDICURE and Undertaking Service

TRANSCONTINENTAL MUTUAL INSURANCE and

Aluminum Sash and Door Factory

THE GREAT MYSTERIES OF LIFE

Why does it rain after you wash the car?

Is there enough bicarbonate of soda in the world to calm the indigestion of Mount Pinetubo?

Will the greenhouse effect over the North Pole improve rose growing there?

What could teen-agers find to do on the streets after 10 PM?

Why do people gamble when they know the odds are against their winning?

Where do the odd socks hide in the washing machine?

Who rolls the dust balls under the furniture?

Why is the economy always bad when it is time for your raise?

Why is the shortest month longer than the longest check?

Why do you do things in your dreams you would never do in real life?

Why are appliances designed to break down when a repairman can charge overtime?

Why is it you can never find a cop or a hooker when you need one?

Why is common sense always overshadowed by enthusiasm and hope?

After Judgment Day when all have received their eternal reward, will preachers be eligible for unemployment compensation?

If a heavenly deity has gotten by on ten percent of our net increase for five thousand years, why does the government have brackets for twenty five percent and more.

Do fish experience intestinal gases? If so, do whales need to file environmental impact statements?

If marriages are made in heaven, does that explain their similarity to thunder and lightning?

If outlawing guns will cut down on violence, why not outlaw knives, clubs, automobiles and gatherings of two or more people?

Why is it when the world agrees, it cannot be done, someone does it?

Why does take the government months and millions to determine the feasibility and some Boy Scouts, in a week-end, can make a working model with sticks and string.

Why is it when you find a way to save money, somebody finds a way to make saving money expensive?

Why do the people who are the jewels in your life turn out to be rhinestones?

Why does the dashing Romeo in your life end up being the braggadocio old Falstaff?

SOCIAL GRACES

Manners are a matter of perspective. A drowning man is not

interested in the moral fiber of the person throwing the

rope.

Bodily functions are natural and to be expected but there is

no telling who the prude will be, so be discreet.

Don't blow your nose without a handkerchief.

Take a bath once a week, wash your feet twice a week, unless

there is a water shortage. Bathing together conserves water.

Don't borrow another's toothbrush without permission.

Use profanity only in emergencies.

Don't talk when someone else is interrupting.

Religion, mothers and sports are sacred, never talk in derision of them.

Never put your elbows on the table, if you are sober.

Don't eat and drink in front of guests, send them home.

Never offend a rich, old relatives pet.

Love your neighbor but beware your neighbor's husband.

Never offend anyone bigger that yourself.

Don't pick your nose unless there is enough to share.

Never hold a grudge. Get even and get it over.

It is more blessed to give than to receive. Give others the

opportunity to be blessed.

Never grope without a prenuptial agreement.

Don't cheat, openly.

Just because life is a bowl of cherries, don't waste any

of them.

Never argue with a policeman or anyone else carrying a gun.

Your boss may not be generous, intelligent and graceful but

he has one endearing quality, he signs the checks. Respect

it.

Remember road courtesy, wave after you run 'em in the ditch.

It makes no sense to argue over religion or politics. The

LORD gets your soul. The IRS gets the rest. Next subject.

Everybody works for a living, over charges their credit and

faces death and taxes. It is the little things that makes

you special.

STEP UP TO THE BAR

Thirty days hath April and June, May got thirty-one because it was a second offense.

The Judge ordered orange juice for breakfast. He got bananas on a peel.

Before the attorney could draw up his briefs he was fined for indecent exposure.

She was a hooker with a heart. On her day off she donated her talents to worthy causes.

After being exonerated of bank robbery, he had a nice vacation in the Bahamas.

The new bookkeeper said, " I did ten years for a better looking set of books than this.

His is allergic to jail, having a tendency to break out.

She got a Phd in Linguistics in prison. Now she can bargain with the Johns in twenty-seven languages.

Under the new accelerated justice system, you can get life, win on an appeal and still make home for supper.

When the state pays the prosecuting attorney, and the defense attorney the defendant wonders who is on his side.

A public defender will get you the shortest time in jail possible. The private attorney will get you off the hook.

Under the rule of precedence the judge makes no new decisions, only recycles old ones.

At the country club the Pro was arrested for driving while intoxicated.

You appeal to a judge for justice and to a photographer for mercy.

When justice is blind and mercy turns a deaf ear all it takes for a conviction is a rumor.

Justice is directly proportional to the amount of money available for a defense.

The judge said the ticket was good for thirty days of rest and relaxation in a tax supported resort.

Under ancient "English Common Law" suicide and murder were illegal not because of ethical values but because it eliminated taxpayers.

If ignorance and poverty were the causes of crime, crime would be prevalent in primitive societies.

HOW TO CLEAN A GARAGE

Everybody that has a garage has a garage that needs cleaning. A few items are necessary to make the job more efficient;

a few trash bags

a sturdy pair of gloves

a cooler of beer

You do not want to rush into this and throw away something useful or miss disposing of deserving trash. Open the cooler, take out a beer, close the cooler and have a seat. Pop open the beer and between sips survey the garage, determining the fate of the more obvious items. If you finish the beer before you finish the survey have another beer, you would not want the survey half done. By the time the second beer is down you should have your goal well in mind. Don the gloves, with determination grasp a bag and drop in the first two beer cans. You may find yourself unable to pull beer tabs with sturdy gloves on so drop the gloves in the bag and have another beer.

That old carburetor is the one your dad helped you change on your first hot rod. That was a great old car, too bad the engine blew. Buddy never did pay the five bucks he lost in that race. There are too many fond memories still attached to it so have a another beer.

There is a half a pick up load of newspapers, calling the Boy Scouts would help them and save your back. You cannot do to much for your community. Have another beer.

The bedroom furniture is in great shape except for a few dings and scratches. It would be a shame to waste it. An afternoon in the garage with a little paint, putty and a cooler of beer would fix it up fine. Have another beer.

That 1956 Ford fender has only one dent. There is no telling when somebody will need a pretty good fender. Have another beer. Is working in the hot garage sapping your strength and making you dizzy? Sit down to catch you breath and have another beer. The fishing tackle is a little dusty and needs new fishing line. If you ever start fishing again you would not need to waste good money on new rods and reels. Keep it and have another beer. Both bicycles are perfect except for the flat tires. Any kid in the neighborhood would be tickled to have them. You cannot do too much for the community. Have another beer. An afternoon in a hot garage can be a killer. Stagger into the cool house with the last two beers and take a nap. When the Scouts come pick up the papers they can have all the aluminum cans too. You cannot do to much for the community.

WHO IS NUTS

There are several quaint ways of expressing your opinions of the rationality of your fellow human beings. If you have felt limited to the generic bonkers, crazy, loco, nuts and screwy here are a few phrases to add color to your language.

lost his marbles

got a screw loose

a half a bubble off plumb

hat screwed on too tight

asleep at the wheel

doesn't have 36 inches in his yard

not all there

his eggs are all scrambled

his detour went over the edge

had his bell rung once too often

not quite right

his stitches are a little too far apart

his license got revoked

the porch light is on but nobody is home

a few bricks shy of a load

the elevator doesn't go all the way to the top

his envelope is missing a stamp or two

his ladder is about two rungs too short

his rent is overdue

made too many curves on two wheels

his rows aren't plowed too straight

his book has a few pages missing

his pencil has erasers on both ends

his table is not quite level

not wrapped too tight

his staircase is missing the two top steps

doesn't have enough sails to get a good wind

his wagon is loaded a bit light

his sign is "closed for inventory"

his lamp is burned out

started out with nothing but a free trip downhill

missing a few buttons

his pool is a little shallow

brain damage would be a remote possibility

in a battle of wits would be unarmed

muscles by Kenworth, brains by Volkswagon

Let us not forget the ladies.

all bra, no brains

SIGNS OF THE TIMES

The sign said, Bridge. As if I did not know what a

bridge was. Was the bridge out? Did it have low clearance or capacity? If you are going to spend my tax money on signs, make the signs tell me something I need to know. The next sign, Caution, was no better. I am always cautious. I look both ways before crossing the street. I have spare keys. When I go to the "john" the first thing I look for is tissue. What is this elusive hazard I need to be aware is present?

Closed! Now that is a sign that is filled with information. If I am trying to enter a store or a street it tells me exactly what I need to know with no wasted paint.

The Danger sign is supposed to fill your socks with dread. They would be easier to fill if you knew what the danger was. It is worse than "caution," that might mean you could stub a toe or break a leg. Danger means your life could be hanging by a thread. Is it high voltage, wild animals or a trap door into another dimension?

Detour is another waste of paint. There inevitably will

be a silent barricade indicating no further passage. This means there could be one, two or more options. Detour signs at best have a single arrow and it leads to another sign with a single arrow and it leads---etc. After a dozen turns you are thoroughly lost and when you lower your pride and ask for directions an alien accent replies, "aye mate, ye can't get there from 'ere.

Entrance and Exit are handy signs if you spot them

at the right time. Without a doubt when you want "in" the sign says "Exit." When you want out the signs say "Enter." There ought to be a law about carpenters and sign painters getting together and putting signs and doors in the right combination.

Push and Pull are feeble attempts to overcome a

human's natural stupidity. This could just as well, in bold letters, proclaim "ignore me completely." If the sign says "push" people will always pull. When the "Pull" is advised every lovable soul will bounce off the door.

For Sale is handy. Only one in a thousand readers are interested in buying. One in a thousand of those interested are willing to pay your price. Enjoy and have at it. It is cheap advertising and when that millionth sucker comes along you can skin him like a "city slicker with a credit card."

No Parking signs are handy but irritating. They indicate there are some dire circumstances to leaving your vehicle there. It could be towing, tickets or bolts of lighting from heaven. Whatever it is you would rather pass on it. By the time you get away from the no parking signs it is six blocks to the bus stop. Who knows how many times you will have to transfer to end up where you could not park in the first place.

This is the tip of the sign iceberg. Signs instruct, order and interfere with every step in life. Moses made it for over eighty years with no painted signs along the way. Of course, the lack of signs along the way may be the reason it took eighty years. In modern time we see hundreds of signs every day and still some people spend half their life lost.

PAY UP

Here is some on account, on account it is all I have.

A "double bank shot" is borrowing from one bank to pay another.

My pay comes in small bills and my debt comes in large bills.

“Charge" is the battle cry of the bargain basement.

We look for a little credit for our success and find a lot of credit in our failure.

When it is due, we don't.

The judge said it was a fine but I did not think it was fine.

The whole concept built around "installment" is the stall part.

Life insurance is only worth it if you are the beneficiary.

The late Mr. Jones is gone and forgotten but not the late payment.

If you can afford to lose it, loan it.

The government calls it funny money but when you print it they do not laugh.

They may say it is a last notice but they never give up.

Taxes are the price of freedom.

THE SAGA OF THE RED NECKS

You know he is a red-neck when;

his idea of a successful marriage is a divorce without debt.

he measures success in ex-wives.

he questions the manhood of any happily married man.

he considers fighting a joy and church a pain.

men are friends and women are necessities.

he considers anything under thirty caliber a toy.

he considers a mattress a place to put money and a bank a

place to get money.

his social life evolves around a bar with western decor.

his remedy for everything is a beer or a woman.

his idea of foreign language is a new England accent.

he encourages you to quit so he can get your job.

his belt buckle is obviously bigger that his brain.

he hates anybody with more money, education, influence or

luck than he has.

his intelligence and presence is God's gift to mankind and

women too.

nothing but a guitar or fiddle make real music.

his necessities come in six packs.

his house gets linoleum and his truck gets carpet.

his idea of elegance is handmade cowboy boots.

his idea of luxury is beer imported from Colorado.

laws apply to everybody else.

his idea of formal dress is a clean shirt.

his idea of a gourmet meal is cooked over an open fire.

his two most valuable possessions are his truck and his

divorce.

he detests movies without horses and guns.

REACHING FOR IMMORTALITY

We have often heard "old soldiers never die they just fade away." A few other occupations are reaching for immortality.

Old politicians never die, they think they are immortal.

Old teachers never die but they lose their class.

Old lawyers never die, with the onset of senility they

become judges.

Old doctors never die, they just operate a little slower.

Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

Old bankers never die, they just withdraw.

Old truckers never die, they get another Peterbilt.

Old electricians never die, they just can't take another

charge.

Old golfers never die, they just lose their drive.

Old cops never die, they go looking for a bigger bust.

Old chefs never die, they just go to pot.

Old cowboys never die, they are just good for a shorter

ride.

Old hookers never die, they are always good for one last

trick.

Old magicians never die, sometimes they fail to reappear.

Old undertakers never die, they can't afford to miss a sale.

NEW PRODUCTS FOR A NEW CENTURY

LANDSCAPING AND HOME SECURITY INC.

Gardens or gun emplacements, we do it all

MOATS BY MAIL

Time tested home protection

ARMCHAIR TRAVEL LTD

Travel videos, ethnic music, authentic cuisine and

libations delivered to your home. Group discounts.

NOOKIE SHOES

The shoe for the walking woman

BARBIE'S DIVORCE SET

Ken finally gets screwed

MISSTATE AUTO INSURANCE

For those with more need than know

NEVER READY

The most battery you'll never need

CRUCIFIX LUMBER AND HARDWARE

Making every weekend a memorable weekend

CRYOGENIC SOLUTIONS

Saving problems for the next century

ETERNAL MAIDS

House cleaning that lasts

INFLATE-AN-EGO

Imaginary solutions for imaginary problems

GENETIC ENGINEERING BY MAIL

When it is time for a change

DEHYDRATED WATER CO.

Just add air. "not potable in high smog areas"

STEPFORD FAMILY CATALOG

Offering a wider choice in building your family

MATRIMONY FACTORY

Recycling a specialty

HOLOGRAPHIC EMPLOYEES INC

For where image means more than production

NOSTALGIA VIDEO

Show your children what clean air, water and

live animals were like

MOODS BY MAIL

Improve your life or use them as gag gifts

UNIVERSAL HOLOGRAPHIC PETS

The sights, sounds and companionship

without the mess

GROUND POSITIONING SYSTEM COLLAR

Locate pets, friend and employees anywhere in the world.

Accuracy plus or minus thirty feet.

FIN, FUR & FEATHER ATTY'S-AT-LAW

Specializing in animal rights

PETERS PORTABLE PARKING SPACES

Compact, full size and limo available

CYBER-COATING CO.

stripes, plaids and florals in one-coat applications

WATER BY MAIL

Drinks or baths from miracle spas around the world

MINIATURE FARMING INC.

Plant 100 acres in a window box

DRINKS BY FAX

Hundreds of alcoholic or non-alcoholic liquids

by the drink or by the gallon

MADE TO REST

From naps to suspended animation,

we serve your sleep needs

VIRTUAL UNREALITY

Electronic equipment to dispel any unwanted situation.

Touching Reality

You have lost touch with reality if;

you leave your keys in the ignition.

you give you kids money and expect to see the change.

you expect a clerk to appreciate your business.

you expect your mother to concede, " you are old enough to make your decisions."

you pay the lowest price and expect service, quality and a guarantee.

you depend on a "system" to beat the odds.

you expect you father to agree "your happiness is more important than a secure future."

you expect your wife to understand, "a man must respond to a challenge."

you expect your husband to respond to the wants and wishes you have not expressed.

you expect brotherly love to compensate for the dents you put in his car.

you expect a relative to put the highest priority on the repayment of his debt to you.

you expect an employee to understand the relationship of net profit and fringe benefits.

you think you can explain the value of discipline to your child of any age.

you believe a salesman who says, "the sale is costing him money."

you think the doctor eats the tasteless diet he just prescribed for you.

you vote for the candidates who are going to save you from the political machine in Washington DC

you trust the ministers who relate your salvation to your wallet.

THE HIPPIE

He was right out of the sixties. There was long hair and a beard which had obviously never seen a comb. The Tee shirt probably had been white but now the color defied description. His jeans were threadbare and no longer that a pair of boxer shorts. The shoes fit his attire perfectly. A leather pair with buckles and been cut up to resemble sandals. He was the image of what every man had nightmares of his daughters dating.

At the moment the daughters were safe. The stranger was in the lotus positioning in the park grass while raindrops fell in profusion. His eyes were closed and he seemed oblivious to the scurrying around him, as people ran to get through or out of the rain. They gave his no heed except maybe for the thinking, "he was just another hippie high on something or another."

A huge yellow hulk approached. It was a policeman in a rain slicker. With his nightstick, he gave a sharp rap on the sole of the sandal and said. "Hey Kid, it's raining. What the hell you doing here?"

With out opening his eyes the young man replied. "It's called transcendental meditation. Through it I can reach the universal consciousness and learn the secrets of the universe."

The Cop giggled, "Well didja learn anything."

Now the eyes opened. "Yes officer, I now know why Buddha picked a deserted tree to sit under and Zarathustra went to the top of a lonely mountain to meditate. A person can spend years perfecting their trance. Just when they are on the brink of achieving Nirvana, or reaching perfection, somebody comes by and wants to talk about the weather and ask stupid questions.

RUNNING AMISS

A misact misaddresses the misadjustment of the misadministration. The misadvised misanalyze their misconception and misapply the miscalculation of misbehavior.

When Society is misassembled there is a misbalance and misconduct runs amok. The mischannelling of energy among the liberals tends to misamplify misperceptions amid the conservatives. Misemphasis along with miscommunication increases miscomprehension. The radicals are miscatagorized as miscreants with and eye on misgoverning the world. When ideas are misconstrued misinformation runs rampant. Mistranscription, mistranslation and misquotation misfocuses the ultimate goal of perfection. Misorientation and miseducation miscarry the best of intentions.

To prevent misarticulation, misunderstanding and misanthropy communicate. The smallest step toward understanding is better than a leap in any other direction.

HIGH GRADE GOSSIP

The high light of the high life is when you can climb off your high chair and on to your high horse. The high-born tend to get high and mighty, lifting their blue noses in the presents of those less fortunate. High-brow friends are faithful to the high class instead of the individual making high fidelity less than common. The high falutin attitude of high fashion is the worst, judging what you show instead of what you know. The don their high hat and treat all in a high-handed manner. It takes only a high ball or two to drop their high-minded ways down to high comedy. The high jinx will usually land them before the high commissioner of something. There they fine their high level to be insubstantial and the high command leaves them high and dry.

THE PRICE OF PROGRESS

Mr. Lincoln was a nice guy trying to do the right thing but when he said, "all men were created equal," he blew it. It is just not true. Through out time some people have been smarter than others.

Take for instance the first cave man to discover fire. Being of the first order of intelligence, he was the first to discover profanity also. True enough, the words, probably, were no more that four letters long. But, the way he strung them together, the intent would have been clear in fourteen languages. When he instinctively stuck that charred finger in his mouth it tasted good.

Now, we are talking about the genius of his day. He knew he could not eat his own good tasting finger but rabbits were made of a similar material. If they were stuck in the fire they should taste good too. The rabbits were against the idea and protested vigorously. What could they do? Man was a hundred times bigger and had a club.

The bigger animals presented an entire new set of problems taxing our genius to the utmost. Did you ever try to hang a six hundred pound buffalo on a stick and hold it over a fire? On top of this the buffalo has a reputation for not being helpful enough to climb on the end of the stick.

If you swat a buffalo with a club, he will want immediate revenge. A buffalo seems to have no forgive and forget Christian charity. After trading swats with a buffalo our cave hero had several weeks to lay on a bed of pine boughs an exercise his superior intellect. He felt, in his broken bones, there had to be a better way.

We cannot just call him "he" all the time. This fellow that is so important to intellectual history has got to have a name and a fitting name at that. "Rocky" would be a good name for a caveman but Rocky is a macho name not intellectual. Stoneleigh is much better for a name, with a discriminating ring to it. From the sound of it, you know the bearer is astute, insightful and perceptive. It cannot be shortened to "Stony" without losing the discerning air of his faculty. Stony puts you down on the level of Rocky. Someone who thinks intelligence is indicated by the size of your club.

Stoneleigh had a neighbor, known as "Ugh." Ugh was neither the brain or brawn type. He was the "lucky" type. If there had been a state lottery, Ugh could have won it twice in his lifetime and still lived on a hand to mouth existence.

Ugh walked with a limp. (Anyone else would have been killed in that fall.) He used a long staff to aid his walking. The staff was pointed on one end and good for digging roots too.

As Stoneleigh watched from his bed, Ugh picked wild onions. The butt of the staff rested on the ground and it protruded to the rear, as Ugh stooped to gather his supper. A wolf, also with supper on his mind, leaped at Ugh from behind and impaled itself on the stick. Ugh was ecstatic with joy and shared his feast of meat and vegetables with the neighbors. If breath mints had been invented their stock would have risen dramatically.

Stoneleigh did not miss a detail of the action. His brain functioned as smoothly as the wheels of the fine tuned watch that the Swiss would perfect in the ages to come. In the last days of his convalescence he worked out the details of his plan.

On a bright morning Stoneleigh stood behind a buffalo with a freshly pointed, stout staff in his hands. A vigorous jab in the rump brought the anticipated reaction. He planted the butt of the staff at the proper angle and awaited the charge.

Now, the neighborhood was feasting on roast beef, far better than the smelly wolf. Stoneleigh was the man of the hour. Only the part about the dying buffalo collapsing on Stoneleigh was not anticipated. Once he was off the pine boughs Stoneleigh would sort through the problems. There should be a consistently safe place to be when the buffalo falls. Would progress always be such a painful process?

THE AMERICAN DREAM

In the American dream "the boy" sees himself as a high school football star. His talent earns a scholarship to a college with a strong science program. "The Girl" has enough minor successes in beauty contests to prove a point but defers to a scholarship in the social sciences. With their career paths established they marry and start up the "yuppie" trail.

There is a progressive series of homes and neighborhoods through the single garage, split level and three-story with a pool. They leave in their wake used BMWs and Cadillacs. At the end of notable careers the look forward to sharing their golden years in comfort with grand children and golf.

The ugly head of the great American reality is raised and the great American dream becomes the great American nightmare.

Boy meets girl-

They fall in love-

Boy loses girl-

Boy gets girl-

Girl files for divorce-

Boy keeps VW bug and $100 a month-

Girl gets all assets not swallowed by bankruptcy-

Boy loses VW bug and $100 a month to IRS for back taxes.

By a stroke of luck the ecology movement is in full swing. With the divorce rate above fifty percent, we take full advantage of recycling people and give them more opportunities to strive for the American dream.

SCHOOL DAZE

Curriculum Delirium

When I was in high school the two most popular subjects were "Galgebra and Boyology." Of course, you would not find either listed in the curriculum but in every class you would find students discussing their extra-curricular research along these lines.

My best friend was Sherman. He was not too bright, flunking remedial recess two years in a row. You could not find a more talented or lovable fellow. He could steal anything and was always willing to share. During a big test, I loaned him a watch with an oversized mirror in the dial, hoping he could pick up an extra answer or two. He would have done well if he had not written most of the one hundred answers backwards. Sherman got the TEEs right on the true or false part.

We had the standard school clubs. The 4-H organization always tried to recognize extra effort, such as raising livestock or stamp collections. Jock, a French kid with a lisp, won a blue ribbon for his collection of ladies spiked heel shoes. His was the only entry in that category. That makes a sure winner.

Bubba, the only girl in the FFA got a lot of teasing until the class project was cutting calves. When the boys found out how fast she was with a knife, they kept quiet.

Jock was at the top his class in Home Economics. After graduation he became a chef in a French restaurant called, "Les Burger."

My senior theme was "Post Modern Influences in Architecture." I did pretty good until the teacher checked my bibliography and found the references to "Penthouse and Playboy." I think she was jealous of good architecture. She took me and my work straight to the principal. He kept my reference material and guaranteed me a minimum passing grade on that assignment.

There was a school newspaper written by the students and censored by the teachers. They were bound and determined to keep it on and intellectual level. The science classes were always claiming discovery of new moons, stars and elements. When Sherman submitted a formula for calculating the weight of the principal’s wife the teachers were outraged. I encouraged him with, "all great thinkers are ahead of their time. Look at the problems Galileo and Columbus had."

Our class Valedictorian got a scholarship but was it based on her scholastic ability, never. It required a red headed, left handed, female with a size thirteen shoe. Luckily her left foot was size thirteen.

The school board was made up of local prosperous farmers and small businessmen. The president was the only one with a college degree. He got a "Master of Fine Arts" while spending ten years in Fort Leavenworth, Kansas. It was some type of off campus program. The board was extremely conservative. When the state required sex education classes to be mandatory, the school board declared the biology class on amoeba reproduction met the requirement. In the old days no matter how complex the question was, the answer at a local level was simple.

TANNING IT

Imagine tanning cow manure and making leather out of it. At least the process is called "tanning." Actually the substance is broken into its molecular components and recombined into a leather like compound. Just think of the implications in the ranching industry. Killing the cow for the hide is no longer necessary. Feed the cow and you have an almost endless supply of raw material for leather. The government is already drafting legislation controlling the amount of laxatives used in cattle feed to increase production.

Over the lifetime of the cow it may produce the equivalent of several thousand cow hides. The age and sexual orientation of the animal is immaterial to the quality of the leather. Quality is strictly controlled in the tanning process. The leather can be manufactured paper-thin or several feet thick. It can be as supple as tissue or as tough as the hoof.

Agricultural engineers have a new machine that will pick up the dried raw material in the field and compress it into square bundles for convenient storage. A leading diaper company is experimenting with a disposable diaper, which can be separated and recycled as part of the leather making process. Animal behavior psychologists are developing a system to train cows to respond on command. The material would be taken twice a day as milk is. In this case there would be no complex extraction device. The next step is the conversion of the same raw material into an imitation ground beef. Taste tests are scheduled for a remote third-world country.

Cows can be a permanent producing part of our society with no liability to retirement or social security. The labor unions are already marshaling their forces. Their lawyers are proposing a tax on the new process to compensate and retrain humans put out of work by the advance of science.

A TEXAS HERITAGE

Texas has had its share of famous people, Belle Starr, Sam Bass, Bonnie and Clyde. Whitman, the Austin sniper, and Lucas, the hitchhiker, were "just plain" crazy. In the mechanics of any family you will find a loose screw or two. A chosen few get all the glory. These were all quite mediocre but they captured the imagination of the media and historians. The record keepers make the notable ones notable in order to increase the value of the stories.

The silent majority is interested in raising their kids and putting groceries and "booze" on the table. They are not going to be distracted by trivial items like taxes, penal codes or whose crime spree sells the most papers. My family members were not glory seekers. The merely pursued their goals with a vengeance.

Relatives were recruited by the OSS in World War ll and Green Berets in Vietnam. The federal government thought if my kinfolk were going to wreak havoc, they should wreak it far away. That is politics. If you know there is going to be chaos put it where it does the most good.

I don't mean to brag, just state fact. I have tougher things than John Dillinger in my hairbrush. When I was a kid, several times my family moved with no forwarding address but I always got revenge. I found them. I'll never forget the first time Dad let me drive the getaway car. There is nothing like the joy of the family of the family participating in an activity together. Don't think I consider myself mean, be glad you haven't met my mother. She is the reason the mafia stays on the East coast.

My family didn't attend schools they desecrated them. Gran'dad was the peaceful one. He could sell a string of horses that were blind and lame then cross the county line two steps ahead of the sheriff. You don't learn that sort of thing in school. Gra'ma was the intellectual, with a Bible and an axe handle she could reform your opinion on any point.

Our family album was the bulletin board at the post office. Everybody prominently displays family pictures and it doesn't get any more prominent than that. Nothing warms the heart like being wanted.

The family was responsible for keeping a dozen counties functioning like well-oiled machines. Without them judges, lawyers and innumerable policemen could have been out of a job and living on welfare.

I had one cousin that never killed anybody, that didn't deserve it. Don't take me wrong, not everybody in my family was violent. Some believed in hard work. Their cotton was the pride of the Texas State Prison. Nobody in my family was ever elected to an office, registered a patent or ran a corporation. But, they take pride in being totally committed to being the best in their field.

HELPFUL HINTS FOR HOOKERS

FROM YOUR

SMALL BUSINESS ADMINISTRATION

The first requirement for any business a thorough knowledge and understanding of that business. Educational background and experience are essential. If in any area you feel insecure, work for someone else until you gain necessary experience or carry on in a part time basis until you have acquired the necessary expertise.

Insurance and legal requirements vary from one business to another. Even changes in locations can bring about new requirements. Find a CPA and Attorney willing to give necessary counsel at rates you can afford. A small retainer may make them available and then pay for service as it is needed. An exchange of services may provide an economical arrangement.

In any business insurance is imperative, liability or business interruption can occur at anytime. With the safety net of insurance, CPA and Attorney you can concentrate on your business commitments while specialists handle the more complex problems outside your business.

Set aside an ample percentage to cover maintenance problems. All equipment must be kept in top operating condition in order to meet your commitments.

Customer satisfaction is the ultimate goal in any business, without it there is no incentive for repeat business. Your motto should be "The Customer Comes First."

A percentage of your income should be dedicated to advertising. To get the most for your advertising dollar customize the advertising to your specific market. Product packaging may be considered as part of your advertising. Packaging should specifically explain or demonstrate the most advantageous qualities of your product. Unless your product appeals to your customer sales will plummet.

Success in any small business requires a one hundred percent commitment creating stress. Periodic vacations and hobbies create a restful diversion allowing you to reenter the market refreshed. If you have no hobbies or planned diversions the same goal may be achieved by periodically donating your talent to a worthy cause.

Good luck from your Small Business Administration.

IN THE BEGINNING

When you get deep into philosophy, by deep I mean up to your chin and hoping nobody makes waves, you find everything has always been, Gods, humans, animals, germs, weeds, rocks, organizations and ideas. Maybe not in a solid form you can buy at the dime store but they existed. A great cosmic intelligence contains everything that has been or ever will be exposed for the first time.

To come to this realization takes some heavy duty, industrial grade thinking. A good way to start is to kick back, relax and contemplate your navel or somebody else's navel. Any object that is willing to cooperate will work. The family recliner, the lotus position or standing on your head is all right if it is comfortable and free from external distraction. This is serious scientific research, do not, I repeat DO NOT go to sleep and miss the good stuff.

I have been doing this for years and have not only seen some nice navels but more than my share of scenes across the great divide. I started on the other side, just like everybody did, as a minor idea in this "slurry of super smarts" and worked my way up to what you might call an apprentice electrician. It was a position where somebody else has a great idea and you do all the work. HE, in his eternal wisdom, had this great idea of "let there be light." Well. I flipped the switch and nothing happened. That is nothing except I got my first glimpse of hell. All it took was a glimpse and I was ready to repent, for a while.

Light got to be without my help and again I was relegated to the back ranks. Even draft boards existed in the "here to fore" and they were sticking billions of us no bodies in the back ranks. Something big was in the offing and that something big was the creation.

That creation depleted the ranks drastically. We were sent to the new world in every form, birds, bees, rocks, trees, animal, vegetable and human. My best friend came through as a typhoid germ. He and I were never close again after that. Personally I made the transition as a human, guarding some remote bush in the boondocks.

The uniform of the day was fig leaves, green sides out in the spring and brown sides in the fall. I don't have any idea what winter could have brought. The instructions were a non-specific "Don't." The rumor was a guy named Moses would drop in later and fill in the details. The Corporal of the guard was a clown with a flaming sword and a bad attitude. I avoided him whenever possible, my fig leaf did not need scorching.

Any new operation of this magnitude, up and running in seven days is bound to have a few glitches. An infiltrator got into the garden disguised as a serpent. How was I to know? When you have seen one snake in the grass you have seen them all. I heard the serpent cut a deal with the caretaker and his wife for a piece of the action. The next thing you knew the dude with the flaming sword was cleaning house. I made it out but with more than my fig leaf singed.

Well, my next assignment was to be sea duty on the "H.I.S. ARK." I could use a calm cruise to sort things out. When you can tune in scenes like this Hollywood and Cable do not have a prayer. I wonder if I could sit in on one of Nero's parties, I hear they were a real swinging bash.

THE AMBIGUITIES OF IT

"IT" is one of the most over used and under explained words in the English language. Everybody has had IT, needs IT or hates IT and you or never sure which IT is the root of the problem.

Maybe the tradition started with Clara Bow, the IT Girl. Though never quite defined, everyone knew she had IT. You never hear of male stars having IT. Douglas Fairbanks wanted IT but the fact was never documented that he got IT at least not from Clara.

Everybody wants IT. The modern "Valley Girl" would die for IT. Almost daily you hear of someone dying from IT. Often nobody is sure where the unfortunate one got IT. Sometimes you can get IT at the grocery store or maybe even a hardware store. When you go into the store and ask, "which aisle is IT on," you get blank stares from the clerks. Getting a price on IT is even more difficult. Some people have gotten IT in a leper colony or a hospital where they were supposed to be recovering from something else. You can get IT from dirty needles and in a wide variety of unsanitary conditions.

Everybody wants IT. Nobody ever gets enough of IT though IT can cause physical and moral decay. IT caused the fall of the Roman Empire and the onset of the dark ages. Yet, IT is supposed to be a lot of fun. Missing IT drives husbands into depression. The thought of having IT gives wives headaches. Everybody knows IT is not good for children. Don't take IT to school. In the more liberal educational systems IT may be used for Show-n-Tell.

Doctors have been trying to cure IT for years. That is unlikely until research scientists can isolate IT. You can get into trouble for showing IT and if you try to hide IT no one will ever trust you again. Take your umbrella IT may rain or your overcoat IT may snow. At least when they say IT rains, or snows you can be sure the speaker is no longer referring to the relationship of IT and sex, at least reasonably sure. IT gets blamed for ill weather, ill luck and illness. IT never really gets credit for anybody having a good time or winning a jackpot.

IT is unlucky on Friday the 13th, under ladders or after a black cat crosses your path. No matter how bad IT is IT could get worse. If you have experienced really stern circumstances in the past, "IT doesn't get any better than this." (More on the ambiguities of "this" next time).

Never do IT in church under any conditions.

Advertising says, "if you've got IT, flaunt IT." They should add, "only if you can take severe criticism." You can do IT in the privacy of your home. If you are under seventeen you will need your parent’s permission to do IT. Supposedly IT is more fun to do IT with a friend or to an enemy. IT has more negative connotations than positive so avoid IT when possible. If you find out what IT is. If you can demonstrate a total understanding of IT and with great eloquence explain IT to the world, your place in history is secure.

GETTING THE CHRISTMAS SPITE

Ebeneezer Scrooge with his "bah, humbug" was the lest imaginative of those disenchanted with Christmas. The following comments have been culled from Christmas conversations.

"I don't care who you are. If those reindeer make my new roof leak you'll hear from my lawyer."

"Don’t Merry Christmas me. I hope you get a partridge shoved plumb up your pear tree."

"You kids take your singing somewhere else. You're stomping all over my new sod and it cost me plenty."

"Where have you been all night and don't give me that old story about spreading Christmas cheer?"

"If you really believe it is more blessed to give than to receive, load me down with presents and revel in your blessings."

"An old man with a white beard and a red suit couldn't make through this neighborhood without getting shot at, mugged, arrested and trussed up in a straight jacket."

"When everybody into this Christmas crap gives me a present then I can have a merry Christmas too."

"Deck halls with advertising. The Christmas spirit is measured in gross sales."

"That Santa dude gets the credit, kids get a moment of passing pleasure and those that know better get the bills."

“You spend a year throwing your dog poop into the neighbor's yard and then on Christmas Eve you go stand in it and sing, God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen."

"Christmas is a frustrating season. It is when the kids who painted your roses black on Halloween stand amid the dead stems and, with angelic voices sing, Joy to the World.”

"They call themselves Christians and then spend one day doing what Christians are supposed to do all year long."

"Christmas has been canceled, the elves have gone on strike for a better fringe benefit package."

"You could always tell the kids, there won't be a Christmas. The Feds have busted Santa Claus for interstate transportation of untaxed merchandise."

"Christmas will be a little skimpy this year. Times, up north, are so hard Santa has started selling franchises for reindeer burgers."

"The kids in this neighborhood keep track of how many shoplifting days are left until Christmas."

"You know which Christmas spirit the kids have when they approach their presents with a gleam in their eye and a calculator in their hand."

"The Government takes one third of my check to feed the poor and the church wants ten percent more to care for the unfortunate. By Christmas I'll be in line with the poor and unfortunate."

Those do-gooders want to get into my pockets to take money to buy gifts for the needy and the giving makes the do-gooders look good. The do-gooders can take a good look at the mistletoe on my coat tail."

"If I had but one wish for Christmas, I'd wish I could have the Christmas spirit without ending up broke."

"He is one of those who believes the Christmas spirit comes in a bottle, the bigger the bottle the better the Christmas."

PAINS OF PROGRESS

Below are listed pseudo-businesses that could exist only with the blessings of modern or future technology.

FAX TRAVEL SERVICE

Go anywhere for the price of a phone call

INTERNAL ORGAN RECYLERS

This week's special low mileage hearts

CRACK BY FAX

Stock up before it's outlawed

DESIGNER DISASTERS CORP.

Drugs or epidemics in a bottle

"Childproof caps optional"

DIAL A COP

Private enterprise & efficiency

at civil service rates

U S TREASURY BBS

Tap in at the source

REINCARNATION COMPANY

Try and try again

USED MEDICAL DEVICES INC.

From iron lungs to pacemakers

at bargain prices

MEDICAL MIRACLES BBS

Diagnosis and treatment

without leaving home

I R S CHARITIES

Give, or else

S & M DATING SERVICE

Meeting the needs of all

FAXBURGERS

A new concept in fastfood

REPENTANCE AND ATONEMENT BBS

Bulk rate discounts on forgiveness

ARMEGGEDON COMPANY

Arms and supplies for any emergency

1-900-BIG CASH

Make money at home soliciting

obscene phone calls with

your own 1-900 number

TEXAS IS A STATE OF MINE

A man's home is his castle, sort of, if you count the two weeks when spring rains surround it sealing you in and everybody else out. There are no ten feet thick walls and parapets but you can climb on the porch roof and see all the way to next Sunday. It has four walls and a roof that have survived everything mother nature could throw at them over the last few years, with a minimum of leakage. (By the way, add another dozen tubes of putty to the shopping list).

The real feeling of independence comes from having your pick up truck broke down and knowing you can fix it before you run out of groceries. It has made it to town without a starter, brakes or in only one gear. You can always get the parts in town. It is a shame parts stores only stock parts for models under seven years old and the junk yards only save parts for fifteen years but most parts can always be changed to make them almost work.

It is five miles to the mailbox and there all you get are coupons for electric appliances and aluminum siding, all sorts of things you would never use. The real convenience is the telephone; it is twenty miles away. It never wakes you in the middle of the night. The only people that ever call sell aluminum siding. If they did come out here they would expect to find electricity to run their power tools. That stuff must be popular somewhere.

I did get a letter from the county tax assessor once or was it three times. In one of the letters he seem a bit nettled about something. On a trip to town I stopped by his office, described my castle to him and even showed him a Polaroid snapshot of my new out house. He couldn't have been nicer. My taxes dropped by thirty percent. I was so grateful I invited him home for supper but he said, "no, that would be a gift and his job forbade accepting gifts." I was just being polite, knowing he had an appointment appraising something at a local motel that evening. All those government fellows talk loud on the telephone. Talking loud must be a sign of importance.

My groceries and bailing wire were loaded and I drove off into the sunset. When you have some cows and they have some calves, ever once in a while you sell a calf and buy some groceries or pay your obligations, life is good.